i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
