Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Let's get the cat blown out
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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