I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
