A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
