The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
