he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
