stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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