You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize