Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
