if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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