if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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