I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
