K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
