he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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