Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
