It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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