My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
