Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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