There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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