Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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