Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
