when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize