3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
