I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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