Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
