My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
