every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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