when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
