My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
