I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The adults are the big ones right?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
