Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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