Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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