She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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