I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize