Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
