Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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