I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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