if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
