I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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