come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
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