you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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