Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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