Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize