Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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