so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
