how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
