mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
