He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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