then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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