ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
