apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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