thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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