Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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