Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Randomize
