Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
