i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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