Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize
