I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize