My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
you had me at cake vodka
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
